Friday, May 02, 2003
[Mood | So So]
My life has definately come to a clearer perspective.
Respect.
I think it goes without saying that you should respect other people no matter what, even if they don't deserve your respect. It takes a lot of dignity to still be polite and nice to someone even if they're the worst person on the face of the earth.
Complaining.
Well it was in my habit to complain a lot, but the only thing I feel like complaining about right now, is how much I miss Serge. So I've given up on petty complaints. I may say "I'm cold" or something like that, but thats just a statement, I'm not complaining.
Friends.
I know that sometimes I may get annoyed at my friends and such things as that, but you know what, I'll love my friends no matter what and never get angry at such petty reasons. I'll just think of Serge and how much I love the people around me and then calm down and realize, there's no reason to be angry, there's only love here.
Anger.
I know that sometimes I have a lot of anger, but I can never stay angry very long. So I need to pick myself up and stay strong. So if I get angry, just leave it alone, and I'll get over it and apologize.
Well there's a lot to ponder in life. I keep thinking about death. I mean its so... abrupt... and so final. Life is just over, like that. Hm, I really don't know what to say. Like I want to know what death is like, but not experience it... Like what is it like?
Well I guess I'll go into some morbid stuff right now... LEMME WARN YOU, IT MAY GET REALLY MORBID... SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ, STOP.
Really, stop if you don't want to hear it...
Well I keep pondering about the formaldehyde. Today in the biology class I'm assistant too, Mr. Greanya was talking about it... and he was saying how in 10 years if you dig up a body, it'll still be just as you buried it. So now that I think back to seeing Serge's body. I think, wow in 10 years he'll still look like he's 17. Thats completely crazy. I remember watching this one episode of Buffy where she came back to life, but she had already been decaying. I kept imagining Serge like that, but now that I've heard that stuff from Greanya, I feel a bit more relieved? Well when I went up to his body at the wake, I could smell the fermaldehyde. Its weird, because I'm a lot stronger than I feel? I didn't cry when I went up to the casket. I only cry when I think of lost moments that we could've had. Or just randomly cry at completely messed up times...
Next I keep thinking about brain swelling. I mean, with all of medical science, there was no way to stop the swelling? This makes me want to study the brain, perhaps become a neurosurgeon. Well that might be to sad. I kind of want to go into medical science now though. Its strange to think that they couldn't do anything to his skull or something to create better circulation to his brain. I kept thinking, can't they make incisions? Why can't they get blood flow there? Why can't they do anything? I guess I'd just have to go into medical science to figure that out. Blah. Perhaps I'll go buy some books on the brain and read about it. I find this stuff very interesting now.
Anyway, I keep thinking about Serge's physical body. Even though he's in two ummm containers, its like, he's int he ground. Its cold. Its raining out there. What can we do? Then I keep wondering if his soul/mind is floating around right now. I really want to read some more philosophy stuff. I'm going to take more philosophy courses in college, that'd be very nice. Psychology sounds interesting too. Maybe I'll just try to major in everything. I'll be a "Business-Law-Medical Science-Psychology" major. Minoring in Asian languages and philosophy. HOLY CRAP. So much stuff to do.
Oh did I mention I took communion at a catholic church? Oops, I didn't really think much of it then, but its really bugging me now. I mean, I grew up in a Presbytarian church and a Baptist church, and I've taken communion before, but... at a Catholic church? That just seems so wrong. Well from now on I'll have to make note to myself that I'm never taking communion again.
Erg. I keep thinking about Serge's physical body. Just lying there. In the casket. So cold. So lifeless. What a strange feeling. Well in the hospital I was holding a dead man's hand. Even though his hand was so warm, because his heart and other body parts were working. It was just his brain... the life center that wasn't working. Wow... there are so many vital organs... I was holding his hand. Holding his hand for dear life. Just holding it. I'm just glad that I got to hold his hand and hug him when he was still alive.
Wow, I really miss him. I hope I can find someone else like him someday. I could talk to him about anything and we could joke around and just do random things. We got along so well. We had so many similarities. I miss you Serge, and no one can ever replace you.
~Joannie~
[Weather | Wet]
[Listening | Nothing]
My life has definately come to a clearer perspective.
Respect.
I think it goes without saying that you should respect other people no matter what, even if they don't deserve your respect. It takes a lot of dignity to still be polite and nice to someone even if they're the worst person on the face of the earth.
Complaining.
Well it was in my habit to complain a lot, but the only thing I feel like complaining about right now, is how much I miss Serge. So I've given up on petty complaints. I may say "I'm cold" or something like that, but thats just a statement, I'm not complaining.
Friends.
I know that sometimes I may get annoyed at my friends and such things as that, but you know what, I'll love my friends no matter what and never get angry at such petty reasons. I'll just think of Serge and how much I love the people around me and then calm down and realize, there's no reason to be angry, there's only love here.
Anger.
I know that sometimes I have a lot of anger, but I can never stay angry very long. So I need to pick myself up and stay strong. So if I get angry, just leave it alone, and I'll get over it and apologize.
Well there's a lot to ponder in life. I keep thinking about death. I mean its so... abrupt... and so final. Life is just over, like that. Hm, I really don't know what to say. Like I want to know what death is like, but not experience it... Like what is it like?
Well I guess I'll go into some morbid stuff right now... LEMME WARN YOU, IT MAY GET REALLY MORBID... SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ, STOP.
Really, stop if you don't want to hear it...
Well I keep pondering about the formaldehyde. Today in the biology class I'm assistant too, Mr. Greanya was talking about it... and he was saying how in 10 years if you dig up a body, it'll still be just as you buried it. So now that I think back to seeing Serge's body. I think, wow in 10 years he'll still look like he's 17. Thats completely crazy. I remember watching this one episode of Buffy where she came back to life, but she had already been decaying. I kept imagining Serge like that, but now that I've heard that stuff from Greanya, I feel a bit more relieved? Well when I went up to his body at the wake, I could smell the fermaldehyde. Its weird, because I'm a lot stronger than I feel? I didn't cry when I went up to the casket. I only cry when I think of lost moments that we could've had. Or just randomly cry at completely messed up times...
Next I keep thinking about brain swelling. I mean, with all of medical science, there was no way to stop the swelling? This makes me want to study the brain, perhaps become a neurosurgeon. Well that might be to sad. I kind of want to go into medical science now though. Its strange to think that they couldn't do anything to his skull or something to create better circulation to his brain. I kept thinking, can't they make incisions? Why can't they get blood flow there? Why can't they do anything? I guess I'd just have to go into medical science to figure that out. Blah. Perhaps I'll go buy some books on the brain and read about it. I find this stuff very interesting now.
Anyway, I keep thinking about Serge's physical body. Even though he's in two ummm containers, its like, he's int he ground. Its cold. Its raining out there. What can we do? Then I keep wondering if his soul/mind is floating around right now. I really want to read some more philosophy stuff. I'm going to take more philosophy courses in college, that'd be very nice. Psychology sounds interesting too. Maybe I'll just try to major in everything. I'll be a "Business-Law-Medical Science-Psychology" major. Minoring in Asian languages and philosophy. HOLY CRAP. So much stuff to do.
Oh did I mention I took communion at a catholic church? Oops, I didn't really think much of it then, but its really bugging me now. I mean, I grew up in a Presbytarian church and a Baptist church, and I've taken communion before, but... at a Catholic church? That just seems so wrong. Well from now on I'll have to make note to myself that I'm never taking communion again.
Erg. I keep thinking about Serge's physical body. Just lying there. In the casket. So cold. So lifeless. What a strange feeling. Well in the hospital I was holding a dead man's hand. Even though his hand was so warm, because his heart and other body parts were working. It was just his brain... the life center that wasn't working. Wow... there are so many vital organs... I was holding his hand. Holding his hand for dear life. Just holding it. I'm just glad that I got to hold his hand and hug him when he was still alive.
Wow, I really miss him. I hope I can find someone else like him someday. I could talk to him about anything and we could joke around and just do random things. We got along so well. We had so many similarities. I miss you Serge, and no one can ever replace you.
~Joannie~
[Weather | Wet]
[Listening | Nothing]
Labels: high school
